24 Jan 2008 @ 7:09 AM 

Scene: Deciduous Forest

Voice over: Today on The Secret Life of…


V: It’s the Arctic Badger!

Pan to something white on ground. It is a stuffed plush badger, obviously painted white. It is attached by rope to a pole which is being moved around off camera. The toy is jerking around in response to the pole’s movements.

V: Here we see the Arctic Badger in its natural home of the forests of the south east United States.

V: It enjoys eating grubs, plants, and small animals no larger than four times its size.

Cut to: inside of tree stump. Badger from above is being moved around by a person offstage, and only their hand is visible. Several chicken eggs are off to the side.

V: Here we see the arctic badger in its nest. It lays a clutch of eggs every fall to hatch in the dead of winter when food is hardest to find.

Cut to: tree top. Badger is attached to rope and pole again. Badger is waving around, occasionally hitting a branch.

V: (sounding increasingly confused) Here we see the arctic badger getting ready to do one of its favorite pastimes, kamikaze giraffe hunting. It waits until the giraffe is underneath, and then it attacks.

Cut to: Top of telephone pole. Badger is on top of the telephone pole. A person is somewhat visible behind telephone pole. Person is moving badger around on top of the telephone pole.

V: (incredulous) Here we see the arctic badger… readying itself… to fly.

V: (Angry) Enough! There is no such thing as an Arctic Badger, and if there were, it wouldn’t be flying around!

Second Voice: Would you believe jumping very high?

V: NO! Badgers don’t live in the arctic, they don’t fly, they don’t jump thirty feet in the air, they don’t attack giraffes, and THEY DON’T LAY EGGS!

SV: Are you sure about the giraffes?

V: YES! There are no giraffes near the arctic!

SV: Not even in zoos?

V: Badgers don’t attack giraffes, and especially not giraffes in zoos!

SV: OK, no arctic badgers. How about…

V: What?

SV: Arctic Swamp Rats!

V: no, No, NO! There are no arctic swamps!

SV: Would you believe the Arctic Hippopotamus?

V: NO! If you want the arctic, you have a choice of Polar Bears, Seals, Dogs, Fish and Eskimos! That’s all! There are no Arctic Badgers, no Arctic Swamp Rats, no Arctic Naked Mole Rats, no Arctic Bats, and most definitely no Arctic Hippopotamuses!

SV: How about an Arctic Chicken?

V: NO! No more! I’m leaving! I’m getting some lunch!

Cut to: Cafeteria, man walks by front of camera muttering “Arctic Hippopotamus???”

Posted By: greenman
Last Edit: 28 Jan 2009 @ 12:42 AM

Categories: Humor, Surreal


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